Tatiana, 41, survivor of economic violence: “All my money went to pay off his debts”

Tatiana’s* two marriages were accompanied by economic violence. Even though she had a well-paid job, she had no say in the management of the family budget and asked her partner for money. She was looking for an answer to the question “why me” by studying psychology and other fields and tried to overcome the difficult situation on her own. Thanks to professional support, Tatiana is recovering and regaining freedom in her decisions.

“I am 41 years old. I’m a blogger. I manage my social media page on psychology and parapsychology. I have graduated two faculties, and recently I entered the Faculty of Psychology. I want to deepen my knowledge in this area to better understand the human nature, answer personal questions, and maybe help others like me. I raise and educate three children alone.

I am the only child in the family. My parents still live together. They have a beautiful relationship. I had a happy childhood and a wonderful student life. I was part of popular youth groups. These were interesting people, but when I had to interact with the opposite sex, I felt it was a bit more difficult. I had an experimental attitude towards life and men. Therefore, my choice for men has always been improper.

When I was 24, I met the father of two of my children. He was a charming, charismatic painter and this made not anticipate the trap and that cruel lesson that awaited me. We lived in a civil marriage for 12 years and despite the apparent social well-being, our relationship was deteriorated. He had never had a job, did not provide for the children, but the family budget was at his discretion, he spent a lot of money on himself, on alcohol and drugs. My repeated attempts to end the relationship have failed. Then my search expanded, and I began to look for a way out not only in the fundamental sciences, but also in esotericism and religion. I wanted to answer the question why I was in such a disastrous position in this relationship.

Even after breaking up with him, when I was already dating other men, I have continued to live with the feeling that I was prisoner. Only after we separated, I learnt my lesson. What prevented me from ending the relationship when I already acknowledged the situation? It was an illusion that I kept.

In 2015, we broke up. I took care of myself, started to practice yoga, began to look better. I wanted to have a full family. At that time, I had two children and a good job. When I met my second husband, I was 36 years old, and he was 35. He gave me the illusion that I needed. He has proposed to marry me and take care of my children. He had no children of his own. At the beginning, it was all good. He was very gentle and caring. Then our child was born. He told me that he served for four years in prison for theft. He was an online gambler, and accumulated debt over time.

In the early years, we had a financial take-off. I worked in several projects and provided for my young husband and my family. However, this was also an illusion, because instead of providing for the children with these funds and paying for medical services, I gave everything to him. He had hight debts on these gambling platforms. To solve this problem, he borrowed money from other people. They trusted him because they saw him coming from a good family with three children and a successful wife.

I became a guarantor for him, under which he could borrow money from people. Roughly, 70% of my income went to pay his creditors. He continued to play, and I was paying people interests. I even took a loan to pay off his debts.

It all ended one day when he came home and said that there was no more money in the account. Stress caused me neurodermatitis. I found a psychologist and went for a consultation. She detected the violence in my relationship and warned that my husband would try to prevent me from going to her consultations. And that is exactly what happened. I have stopped going to the psychologist and the breakup dragged on for a while. I filed for divorce twice, because he was persuading me to change my mind. Therefore, the trial was long and painful.

When I have reached out to the “Interaction” organization it was too late. I did it, because my friends, who saw my neglected psychological and financial situation, insisted that I do so. I was counselled by a psychologist and began to recover gradually. Now I still have challenges in my life, but my attitude towards them is more conscious and I think that through work and children they will be reduced to a minimum. My greatest achievement over the years of working with a psychologist from the “Interaction” organization is adapting to reality, and the realization that you can find help everywhere and that whatever happens to you, everything will be alright”.

The CSO “Interaction” from Tiraspol offers Tatiana and her children psychological assistance.

The One UN Joint Action “Cross-river Support for Human Rights”, funded by Sweden, strengthens the institutional capacities of the CSO “Interaction” from the left bank of the Nistru river and other members of the Sustainable (Community) Development Platform.

The One UN Joint Action is implemented in partnership by six UN agencies: IOM, UNDP, OHCHR, UNAIDS, UNICEF and UNODC.

* The real name of the protagonist has been changed to ensure their confidentiality.

Access here the article in Russian.